Part 1- The most scared I’ve been in my life.

“Did you hear what happened to Bonnie’s older sister?” Mary asked in a low voice, drawing the seven of us, 4th grade girls even closer together on the monkey bars at recess.

“A man with long fingernails attacked her in her house and ripped her shirt. I think she got cuts on her face as well”, Mary added. 

Well if this didn’t change things forever. 

Never again would we discuss jumping out of swings, bouncing  on the teeter-totter, or Secret Santas with the same intensity.

This was 8th grade material at the least.

Bonnie’s sister was old, like 17. 

“How long were his nails?” 

”Who was he?”

”Where did he come from?”

”Why?” was the question we all wanted to ask but didn’t.

It was hard to image someone being attacked in a town where prank calls and minor shop lifting were the usual rites of criminal passage in the late 60’s.

But still, long fingernails on a man? I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

We discussed the attack for days out on the playground, and it was agreed that the stranger was armed and dangerous. We didn’t discuss anything with our teachers or parents because it was too thrilling to share.

So thrilling that I had a hard time falling asleep that week.

My sister Dee and I shared a room above our parents. The windows above our beds opened up over the slate roof of the terrace below.

There were three pictures, out of Tiger Beat Magazine, pinned to the ceiling above my bed,

Bobby Sherman, the youngest brother on the logging series Here Come the Brides, and David Shelby and Jonathan Frid, of the spooky but exciting Dark Shadows.

One night Dee asked me what I was smiling at in the dark. I must have been having a conversation with Bobby’s character Jeremy. His stutter made me want glasses and a lisp.

“I’m not smiling, I’m yawning” I told Dee.

I was embarrassed. 

I wouldn’t say I was caught having a sexual fantasy but then again, maybe I was. 

She rolled over and fell asleep.

Jeremy was my favorite, but Quentin was quite attractive in a were wolf bad boy way. Barnabas wasn’t good looking at all and seemed ancient. 

He was up there because I felt sorry for him.

That Thursday night, I lay there imagining Barnabas, the gothic vampire that he was, protecting our house, when I heard the sounds.

“Tick… tick… tick tick tick… tick…” Oh my gosh! Someone or something is tapping at the window! I pulled the covers over my head but left one ear free.

Wait. That’s got to be fingernails! No…it sounds more like high heels on slate shingles. It could be a man with long fingernails and high heeled boots, I’ll bet he has long hair too! And tight pants. Maybe a long leather jacket or a cape as well.

I was petrified.

This was the guy who wanted to slash and kill off all the girls in Dorset! 

I did what anyone in their right mind would do. I slunk out of bed, left Dee, and went downstairs to my parent’s bedroom. I curled up in the oversized green corduroy chair and stared out the window as the pitch black sky stayed that way.

When Hopper finally rolled over in my direction I coughed loudly.

“What are you doing up so early?” he mumbled.

 “There’s a man on the roof with high heels and long fingernails. He’s attaching people.” I blurted out.

“Okay, I’ll check it out later” he said and rolled back towards Mom.

With that, I jumped up and stayed in their bathroom with the light on until the birds and my parents woke up.

At school the next day, I told the enthralled group on the jungle gym what had happened.

This was huge. 

“How did he get on the roof?”

”Do you think he’s checking out all of our houses?”

”How come your dog didn’t bark?” 

These were all valid questions but none I could answer.

Later, after school, Hopper said, “Come here, I want to show you something.” He pointed to a maple tree next to the house.

“See the tree, and the branch? Go upstairs and see if you hear it tapping.”

Even at 3:30 in the afternoon, in broad daylight, I was afraid to look out the bedroom windows. I don’t need to prove that nightmares aren’t fake.

I could feel my heart in my throat as I peeked out through the glass at what would inevitably be a gruesome display of shattered shingles, fingernail clippings, and strands of oily hair.

But no… nothing but some branches tick-tick-ticking. 

“Do you see and hear the branch?” Hopper yelled up to me.

“Sort of” I yelled back, though not entirely convinced.

A few weeks later the truth came out. Bonnie’s sister had made the whole thing up.

Once again the big question was why, but nobody asked.

I definitely heard more than a branch that night. It could have been something.

The image of a leather coated, caped man in high heeled stiletto boots, possibly on crutches, with wild hair, long dirty nails, who leapt on to porch rooftops as quietly as a cat, despite being 1/2 crippled, stayed with me until I switched out my ceiling photos for David Cassidy and poor short Davy Jones.

The fact that photos of gothic boogeymen  were the last thing I saw before drifting off to sleep each night was lost on me until decades later.

Reeeeeeaaaaaaaadddddd Meeeeeeeeee

Apologies to Allen “Griddy” Davis

My brother in law, Bill, said, “We had a party at work yesterday and people were doing the Griddy. It’s a football thing.”

His demonstration reminded me how much fun we have dancing together, although it’s been awhile.

“It must be named after gridiron”, I said as I  step-chugged in my work boots. Although I’d never heard of the Griddy Dance, the movement felt familiar.

It’s what I do my when I dance too long in the kitchen and need to catch my breath.

“Nah, it’s the guys name.” He replied. “What is a gridiron anyway?”

“It’s an old term for football” I declared, feigning wisdom. 

That’s  another thing I enjoy doing with Bill.

“No, it’s the metal posts at the end of the field that look like this.” My sister, Dee said, standing proudly with her arms up and elbows bent.

“What do you think Chad?” 

Our brother mumbled something about markers and lines.

“No, you’re all wrong according to Google.” Bill sounded pleased.

“Actually we were all really close to being right. What do you expect from three Smith kids who grew up eating and breathing football?” I interjected.

“Wait? Did we?” Dee asked.

“Obviously not” I replied. “I just always wanted to say that.”

We had gathered on New Year’s Day to take a walk up the new logging road behind Dee and Bill’s house.

“Twenty years ago the forester said we’d be able to pay for the girl’s college from the sale of the timber. More like 2 semesters of text books.”

Bill groused and then continued,

“I think we should start compiling family lore, let’s start with you Chad.” 

“Okay, here we go” Chad groaned. (This sort of random change in the conversation is not uncommon by any of us.)

“How long did you live at the Hotel Carter?” Dee asked.

Before he could answer, she continued, gaining speed.

“One review said it was the filthiest hotel in NYC. Another said the bar was like the scene in Star Wars, all kinds of riffraff and oddballs. Apparently it finally got shut down when people were openly selling crack cocaine in the lobby. When did you live there?”

“It was in the 80’s, only eight months and it wasn’t that bad”, Chad answered patiently. He knows that being patient is the only way that the spotlight will turn on to someone else’s lore.

We had gone about 25 feet up from the landing. The mud was so thick and gummy that I had the sensation of walking in quick sand. It was a little unnerving.

Chad was  behind me. “If I pushed you over, you wouldn’t be able to stand up on your own” I announced to him. 

I would never do that but it was fun to verbalize the possibility, especially one so threatening. 

He didn’t respond…another example of patience.

“We can climb up here, get off the road and find a drier section above.” Of course Bill would suggest bushwhacking straight up the hill, after all, he reached the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro last July. 

We plodded around in the muck and mire for a few more seconds and then decided to ignore his suggestion and head back to the house.

Along the way the conversation jumped from one observation to another.

“Look at all the different fungi on this stump.” 

“Here’s some major scat.”

“There’s the remnants of the tree house that the girls used exactly once.”

“Is that what they call blow down?”

“There’s so much mud on the bottoms of my boots that I feel like I’m wearing platform shoes.”

“Let’s do this another time when there’s snow and we can find animal tracks.”

When we got back to the house I said,

“You know where the telephone line crosses your driveway? An owl flew over my head like a missile. I even ducked a bit.”

“Wait. When? Today?” Dee asked.  “That is so great, it’s like a sign!”

Actually this was the fourth owl sighting I’d had in two months. 

Owls can symbolize mysticism, intuition, and wisdom; however, what’s more remarkable are some of their physical traits. The ability to sit quietly, high on a branch, moving its head 270 degrees so that it’s large eyes can detect movement, even in the dark of night, and ears capable of hearing  mice creeping deep in the grass or snow, is all quite something. However, eating its prey whole and then regurgitating pellets of fur and bones is quite naturally magical.

Observing nature reminds us to observe ourselves.

Can we trust our gut, get rid of what we don’t need, learn from our surroundings, be efficient, know when to move quietly and when to make a lot of noise?

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about the owl when you first got here” Dee said,  a bit surprised. 

“I got sidetracked, giddy with the Griddy” I answered.

I swear it looked worse.

When am I ever going to need this?

I was  fussing around earlier and decided to give myself a math problem.

Alexandra wants to know how she spends a typical day, using percentages. Please allow 33% for sleeping and pretending to sleep. Use the list below, provided by the subject, to arrive at a total of 100%.

Be honest and realistic in your estimates.

  • Dog related activity
  • Reading
  • Writing
  • Fiber Arts
  • Driving
  • Food related activity
  • Teaching
  • Errands

Once completed, I had 16.67% unaccounted for.

What was I doing during those missing four hours?

Typical things like exercise, spirituality and personal hygiene didn’t make the list because there’s a lot of overlap in the other categories.

Then I realized I forgot fussing.

Fussing is the art of creative problem solving even when there doesn’t really seem to be a problem to solve.

Being fussy is not the same thing. That’s just looking too closely at any situation, for no good reason. 

Fussing allows you to use your energy wisely, taking care of things that need to be taken care of, ideally in a way that isn’t tiresome.

As a rule, I fuss in 20 minute intervals; for instance, while going through pocketbooks, emptying the dishwasher, mopping the floor, planning get rich quick schemes, playing the ukelele, vacuuming, staring into space, stacking wood, trying on outfits, cleaning out the garage, or rearranging the furniture.

You wouldn’t believe how much I get done during those short sessions. It makes me feel productive, efficient, challenged and accomplished.

Fussing is an art to be shared.

Last winter my friend Nadia and I returned to our hotel in Boston after a day of shopping.

“We have 45 minutes until dinner, this is a perfect time for fussing!” I announced.

“Put all your purchases on the bed and open them one by one. Take off price tags. Fold up the packaging. Find where you are going to store the item for the time being, in your suitcase, pocketbook, or on your person.”

“I like to keep them as they are until I get home. Then it’s like opening gifts at Christmas,” she explained.

She had a point but I knew better.

“If you wait until you get home, you have to do the recycling yourself. Here, they do it. One less chore and we can spend time oohing and aahing over our purchases together!”

I’m pretty sure I changed her life.

I realize now why housework didn’t make my list, I only tidy-up when I’m fussing.

Try this for yourself.

Choose your own categories.

Do your results surprise you?

Marvel at the realization that math really is handy.

This is what fussing can lead to. Ancient drying rack and mismatched towels turn into an art installation!

Lazy Boy

I can tell my broken arm is getting stronger because, with concentration, I can push myself back in the recliner. 

Now there’s a sentence I never imagined writing.

If you are a younger reader,  or think reading about health related topics is really uncool, don’t give up on this yet.

Seriously, setting up the chair was kind of tricky at first. 

I had to sit on the floor with my legs braced against sides and then use  my trusty right arm to pull the footrest up. 

Getting in it while it was reclined also had its challenges. 

Three years ago I was embarrassed about buying a recliner for about 5 minutes. 

We’ve always had some sort of flexible seating over the years; 

examples being 

a bean bag that turned into a bed, 

a Swedish exercise ball that ended up being the best dog toy ever, 

rocking chairs to hold sweaters, and 

something that may have spun but never got the chance. Why not a recliner?

I just didn’t think I’d be writing about the lazy boy wanna-be.

There are going to be many things that we never imagined we’d write or say.

As a ski teacher, I responded in an interview that my secret for staying fit was “Burgers, Butts and Booze”. 

That 29 year old would never had imagined her older self discussing recliners just as her older self is rolling her eyes at the flippant comment of her younger self.

Our priorities, preferences, and peccadillos all change.

Sometimes it’s due to necessity but mostly it’s due to our own discernment. We make choices in hopes that it makes our lives more pleasant for ourselves and for the people around us.

It’s important to be comfortable and to provide comfort.

That’s why we are here.

Losing and Regaining Balance

The night before flying out to an 8 day writer’s retreat in California, I fell and hurt my arm. I knew it wasn’t your normal get-run-into-by-the-dog fall, nor was it like fighting with weeds and falling over backward. This really fucking hurt. 

It hurt so much that I didn’t think about any kind of pain killer, not even the 5 year old, travel size container of Advil in my beauty bag.

(I did look up whether or not one should fly with a hematoma. However, I don’t recommend doing that until you are about to board.)

Because of my arm, I had no choice but to pull out clothes, to lighten my carry on, in the airport parking garage before flying out. Not only was I unable to lift the bag into an overhead bin, I could barely wheel it with my good arm that was already saddled by my 20 pound personal item.

That really stung because I spent 3 weeks trying on outfits. I’m a master packer. Fortunately, to tie all my outfits together, I had a stretchy scarf in different shades of blue. I fashioned it into a sling and it blended well with the lengthening bruise on my arm.

I was physically uncomfortable most of the time away, but mentally, I loved every second.

I don’t think I’ve ever spent so much time using my right hand and pretty much nothing else. It just wrote and wrote and wrote.

The rest of my body was in a conundrum, “Shouldn’t we be hiking, breathing in that red wood air, practicing yoga, helping to stack chairs, or drinking box wine? What’s going on?”

“Take this opportunity to take a break” my heart and mind said, as they flexed and posed for each other.

And it did.

Back home, after losing my luggage due to a tight red eye connection and seeing mom,  I went to the Urgent Care Center in town. X rays showed a fracture on the humeral tuberosity.

They set me up with an orthopedist appointment and gave me a shot in my good  arm.

That shot was the mother of all injections. It took two hours before it stopped throbbing. But man did it work. My hurt arm was so painless that I wondered if I had been faking all along.

The next day, the orthopedist  concurred with the reading.

“Considering it’s had almost 2 weeks healing time, we will x ray again in 2 more weeks and then start rehab. I can’t believe all you had was 10 advil, the first weeks can be really painful.”

“Are you saying I’m really tough because I didn’t have much pain medication? I want to tell my mom.”

“Yes, you are really tough.” She flashed me a no-nonsense grin.

I knew it.

Banana Slug-slowest animal on the planet next to me.

I Told You So.

 

No one likes to hear those words. 

“I told you so. When they say Very Spicy they mean it.”

It’s  a double hit. First your mouth is on fire and then your face is burning red because you didn’t heed the advice. 

You should be ashamed.

“Shame on you for not listening to me” really means I know you already feel bad so let me make it worse.

Shame is no fun.

They told us not to let our new dog off her leash for at least six months, or ever. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

After three days, I let Lassie drag her leash while taking her morning constitutional. 

“She was great!” I told Peter before leaving for classes.

It was great until it wasn’t.  Later that morning Lassie took off from Peter, dragging her leash behind her.

My ego isn’t big nor stupid enough to think that I was what she went in search of. 

Her thoughts:

That’s a big wall of trees touching the sky. Am I still in Ohio? I’ve never run like this. Whee!

I’m running down, down, down and up, up up!

Damn I’m tired.  

This cave smells like tough guys, time to move on.

I’m a fucking gazelle!

Wait. Where am I?

I believe she got carried away with excitement and forgot what she was doing, I know the feeling.

She went down, across, along, over, up, through, across, crisscross, under, around, down, up, and across.

The six inches of snow was a blessing. (Her tracks were evident as was the dragging leash, however it took me longer to find her because I am NOT a tracker and spent way too long following her in the wrong direction.)

The two melted patches I passed, where she had curled up to take a rest, were a slap in the face. The only patches I left were from belly crawling under a downed pine and sliding on my ass down a ravine so as not to break my ankle.

My thoughts:

Really? You are walking straight up this mountain? What’s wrong with following a logging road? 

There are a lot of prints outside this cave in addition to you and your leash. Am I scared?

What time is it? Don’t look. 

Maybe Damon’s dogs could track her. 

Maybe we aren’t supposed to have a dog. 

How long do I keep searching?

What will we say to the foster parents? What about to the president of the association, who interviewed me nicely but firmly for 35 minutes about the probability of Australian Shepards darting off, before giving us clearance to adopt? Oh the shame.

When I found her under a shack placed on cinder blocks, the relief felt like a Very Spicy Vindaloo flowing through my body. Unfortunately it didn’t reach my fingers.  Obviously my hands are not used to clawing and grabbing onto saplings and rocks on my knees for much of the 9 miles and 3 ½ hours it took me to find her.

Who am I to complain, Lassie’s journey was seven times that in dog years. 

“I told ya so!” many smart dog owners might say, but instead of shame, I feel compassion and empathy for dolts like us. 

This is how we learn; through experience, trust, panic, patience, mistakes, drive, fortitude, commitment, and hope.  We  go with our gut, which is sometimes wrong. 

Peter’s journey included driving into Sykes Hollow.

Nellie’s Note to her Chocolate Friend Gus.

Dear Gus, 

I can’t talk right now so I’m using my mom‘s hand to write this. Ask your mom to read it to you. 

Some things may get lost in translation, like in the telephone game. That’s a typical human problem if you ask me.

As you know, I arrived pretty quickly to Vermont, and I had a whirlwind of a time.  The sounds, the smells, the sights, the shit!

I can’t believe the smorgasbord around here, porcupine, rabbit, skunk, groundhog,  deer, fox, bobcat, coydog, bear, and a couple other nuggets that could’ve been dropped off by an owl. I enjoyed going back for seconds and thirds. I could grab mouthfuls on the fly!

Anyway, I loved spending our short time together. I will never forget when you pretended to get stuck in the culvert! Not fat shaming here. Watching our moms panic was pretty funny.

I also won’t forget when I let my guard down with Maggie. You don’t know her, but she’s got a set of chompers on her. However, her bark is worse than her bite. As my dad said, “‘twas but a flesh wound.”

I had to leave as quickly as I came because I’ve got lives to live. Coming and going. Not much difference as far as I can tell. Anyway, I must’ve eaten one too many piles of junk.

The morning started normally enough, I snuggled with my mom before eating and pooping. Yes – I said before. (Don’t tell anyone but I’m pretty soft under this street savvy, tough girl, coat of fur.)

Mom left for class, and dad went to the cellar. Sometimes he makes the best racket down there. It reminds me of something. Can’t quite remember what though.

That’s when I realized it was time for me to hit the road. I threw up really loudly to get his attention. Then I went outside to lie down.

This year was the first time I ever saw snow.  What’s the big hoopla anyway? Not impressed. I’ve seen deeper piles of sand on the side of streets somewhere that I can’t quite remember.

Dad got me inside, and I just waited for mom. I saved her my last breath, but I don’t think she noticed.  She was looking at my eyes.

One thing that makes me laugh is that the vacuum cleaner will have to be unclogged and emptied at least 5 times in order to pick up all the pieces of bone, paper, cans, baskets, tennis balls, hula-hoops, and foam from all those cheap-ass toys my mom kept bringing home. And she hates vacuuming!

I decided to get cremated with the group rather than by myself.  Me and a few unknown (but soon to be) buds got places to go.

I’m not sure where I’m off to next, but when I get there, if I remember, I’ll keep a part of you and my humans with me as faint, but really nice memories. 

Just a last reminder. We may just be dogs but we do powerful things when given the opportunity. 

Don’t forget to bark at Mike the UPS man for me when you see him.

Hasta la vista baby!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

From where I sit, I can see the giant round, blue, Swedish chair (that Nellie uses for calisthenics) beyond the gray, above ground, Bestway Steel Pro Max swimming pool.

One pink rose blooms at the corner of the vegetable garden. The six types of weeds growing up between the fencing of chicken wire, plastic, bungee cords, metal rods, dowels, and iron banister pieces from the old house, obscure and protect the bumper crop of dark green and purple kale.

Nellies toys, bones, hula hoops, pillow stuffing, flip-flops, and T-shirts (also known as Teeth Shirts) are spread over the lush green grass.

To be kind, one might call the look hodgepodge. Less kind visitors might use the word  eyesore.

If I were a different person, I might be embarrassed at the uncouthness of it all. However, the vista of natural and man-made blue, gray, green, brown, black, yellow, red, orange, and white, in all it’s shades, shapes, and sizes is like nothing I’ve seen before.

I sit in awe.

Namaste

It’s a dog’s life.

I feel like  I’ve said “in my next life I want to come back as my/your dog”, but I don’t think I actually have. It doesn’t  sound like me.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter,  because I lead a dog’s life now.

New, nervous, 11 month old, Nellie moved in on April 30.

She and I have spent the last month and a half becoming aware of our commonalities.

We sleep.

We get fed.

We go to the bathroom.

We sit outside.

We play.

We get mad.

We get sad.

We amuse.

We bushwack.

We stare.

We listen.

We ride in cars.

We dig things.

We explore.

We scare ourselves.

We love our family.

We give ourselves space.

It’s true that I spend more time in the car than Nellie does, but she sleeps more. 

It’s also true that I have to remind Nellie when she needs her own space, and she often has to remind me when it’s time for food.

Despite my lame throwing and her lame understanding of “STOP NIPPING”, we both agree that we are very content.

Pour ma grande mère, Francine D. Reed, j’aimerais que tu soit ici pour en discuter avec moi. Profite de ta prochaine vie.

Productive Dilly-Dallying

I’m in the middle of a project and am in Procrastination Mode. I know so because I have redecorated, rearranged my books, organized my purses, and categorized everything in my 9×10 dorm room office. Tapestries are still a thing in our house.

I found my calendars from 1987 on. Not found but pulled off the shelf. I’m going through each one jotting down interesting facts. (I’ve done a lot of birthday parties for kids and have also seen more concerts than I literally remember.)

Some years included a lot of eating out. Other years have a lot of dinner parties in. 

I’m only up to 2010 but what’s interesting to me, so far, is it takes me an hour to go through each year. I’ve timed it. That means that no matter whether I was confused or confident, solvent or squeaking by, focused or figuring things out, time was and remains constant.

Perhaps my information processing speed is faster or slower than others.

Nevertheless, the past years may have felt like a blur but they weren’t. We don’t know what blocks of time feel like until we think about them for more than a second or two after. That’s when memories can start drifting in. Memories, whether fabricated, recovered, or honored are what remind us we are human.

It’s interesting to notice trends from decade to decade or relationship to relationship. It’s fun to see how diverging career paths makes sense. It’s fascinating to notice what gets highlighted and what doesn’t. It’s reassuring to notice that sometimes names disappear and then return.

I’m comfortable taking 35 hours to remind myself of 35 years of my life.  Any more and I would bore myself to death.

Being a productive procrastinator, I’m now going to separate the metal bindings, plastic dividers, and paper for the recycling bins.

Namaste- I wonder what I note down today?